A metaphor for 2014.

Dear friends,

metaphor

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or anything, but I do want to state for the record that 2014 has kicked my butt in only nine short days.

If I were a dog, I’d be dirty, wet, and three-legged.

I had a wonderful, peaceful, joyous Christmas so I can’t say for sure why the new year has gotten off to such an inauspicious start.

Well . . . I can offer one very big reason: I’m detoxing. I decided on Dec. 30 to give up caffeine even though I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. I’ve had what I will politely call a headache ever since.

For the first 24 hours I felt fine. I even bragged about how fine I was. Then the apocolyptic headache set in on day two.

For the next five days, my Headache Threat Level was: Holy *&%$. (Don’t really know how to interpret Holy *&%$? Let me just say that on New Year’s Eve, I took a pharmaceutical cocktail that would have rendered most people comatose and went to bed at 6:30 pm. only to wake up a few hours later at the same Headache Threat Level.)

Then for three more days my Headache Threat Level was: Good Lord Caffeine is Poison.

Today — day nine of my New Year’s resolution — my Headache Threat Level is: I’m Really Annoyed and Tired and I Want to Cry.

Oddly enough, my caffeine detox has coincided with a virulent strain of insomnia. I haven’t slept past 2:30 am in a week. Sleepless and decaffeinated is not the path to a good life. Or so it seems on day nine of the new year.

By the way, back when my Headache Threat Level was Holy *&%$, I concluded cold turkey was a poor strategy and decided to drink a cup of coffee. I took two drinks and thought it tasted terrible. Gag-reflex terrible. That’s when I decided caffeine really is poison, my body must be trying to tell me something, and I encouraged myself to hang in there despite the winching pain.

During the decaffeinated, sleepless stupor we’ll call 2014, a few other choice developments have occurred. Like a winter storm that left us with sub-zero temps and a foot of snow. Like a flood in my office.

Like three lost breakfasts in a row.

You see, because of the winter storm and poor road conditions, Mr. Mom has been driving me to work every morning. And for the last three mornings, I’ve taken my breakfast to work with me in a plastic baggy. Only I haven’t enjoyed said breakfasts because somewhere between the curb where Mr. Mom drops me off, and my office some 50 feet away, my breakfast has disappeared.

I figured I had managed to leave my baggies in Mr. Mom’s truck each morning. However, I found that explanation odd because it would have been just like him to text me something like “Hey, you left your breakfast in my truck this morning. Want me to save it for you?” I meant to ask him about it each evening but my fluctuating Headache Threat Level destroyed my memory.

Anyway, I’m still relying on kind drivers to shuttle me around town and when Kate and Parker dropped me off after taking me to lunch today, I caught a glimpse of something odd buried in the snow and slush by the curb.

It was yesterday’s breakfast.

(See photo above. For the record, that’s an orange and a boiled egg.)

There was no sign of the other two breakfasts, but I’m sure we’ll find them after the thaw.

That muddy, icy bag of mangled breakfast is a perfect metaphor for my 2014. I think the universe wanted me to see it. For a much-needed laugh, I suppose.

Or as a reminder that even when my breakfast is mangled, my coffee cup is empty, and my office carpet is wet, my friends and family keep me trucking.

With gratitude {for the ability to muster gratitude at this point},

Joan, who has nowhere to go but up in 2014

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Comments

  1. May your head relent, your sleep return and your breakfasts stop committing suicide. And carpe diem, it’s almost Friday!

  2. Maladjusted Mel says:

    I know it isn’t funny, but your Headache Threat Level made me chuckle and think back to the glory days of the Bush presidency when we had the color-coded terrorist threat level. Sorry your 2014 has started out crappy. I gave up meat – don’t know if I could give up caffeine – but I applaud your gumption. Wishing you sleep-filled nights and headache-free days!

  3. Oooof. That is a very rough start indeed. And how unexpected – insomnia during caffeine withdrawal. Here’s to a quick recovery and a better weekend!

  4. I remember when I enjoyed coffee so much and it gave me so much energy but when the cardiologist suggested that I not use caffeine it was an adjustment. I did not go “cold turkey” as you did. I, too, experienced the change in how I felt about the taste of it. I think the decisions I make without caffeine to drive me are much better for me and those around me. Best wishes for a better 2014 that this very beginning.

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